Author of many miserable stories. Just like yours.
From the archives: Rejected Ben & Jerry’s Passover Flavors. You can read the whole article at McSweeney’s.
Here’s a preview:
Why is this ice cream different from all other ice creams?
Bread O’ Affliction! – Sure, we wanted to use real bread, but who has the time?!
Gephilte Phish! – Random, minced fish pieces in a fabulous jellied froth!
Let My People Go Eat Ice Cream! – From Yahweh’s mouth to your freezer! Right now!
Karpas-tacular! – It really is!
Coupons available Next Year in Jerusalem!
Why is this ice cream different from all other ice creams?
Bread O’ Affliction! – Sure, we wanted to use real bread, but who has the time?!
Gephilte Phish! – Random, minced fish pieces in a fabulous jellied froth!
Let My People Go Eat Ice Cream! – From Yahweh’s mouth to your freezer! Right now!
Karpas-tacular! – It really is!
Coupons available Next Year in Jerusalem!
Fewer Manischewitz-related DUIs this year.
Another chance to join elite “I Slept in Temple” club.
After 3 days of non-stop prayer, Apples everywhere unbelievably excited.
Good day to reflect on the suffering of poor, horn-less rams.
Perfect time to rob houses en masse when all Jews simultaneously called to temple.
Solid opportunity to resent fellow Jewish co-worker who took day off to go bowling.
Good over/under on how many middle-age men yell “Tequi-la!” when Cantor blows shofar.
Party hats usable all year round.
When ball drops at midnight, everyone yelling Happy 5778!
Awareness that Rabbi can’t wait for it to end either.
This is a story about comedy.
When you write a story about comedy – about anything, really – you form a contract with your reader and certain expectations are created. So if I’d written, say, a book about a dog, you might ask, well, what kind of dog? And I might say a Maltese Shih Tzu. And you might say, oh, oh, great, and start reading.
So, upon hearing that this story is about comedy, you might ask: well, is it funny? And the answer, honestly, is no.
The first chapter of Plrknib is up. Click here to continue.
My piece, Rejected Ben & Jerry’s Passover Flavors is up at McSweeney’s.
Here’s a preview:
Why is this ice cream different from all other ice creams?
Bread O’ Affliction! – Sure, we wanted to use real bread, but who has the time?!
Gephilte Phish! – Random, minced fish pieces in a fabulous jellied froth!
Let My People Go Eat Ice Cream! – From Yahweh’s mouth to your freezer! Right now!
Karpas-tacular! – It really is!
Coupons available Next Year in Jerusalem!
Fewer Manischewitz-related DUIs this year.
Party hats good all year round.
Another chance to join elite “I Slept in Temple” club.
Dirge-like tunes actually increase lifespan.
Great day to reflect on poor, horn-less rams everywhere.
Highly fortuitous time to rob houses en masse when all Jews simultaneously called to temple.
Opportunity to resent fellow Jewish co-worker who took day off to go bowling.
Finally get to re-use handicap parking tag from when Grandma broke leg three years ago.
Seeing how many middle-age men yell “Tequi-la!” when Cantor blows shofar.
After 3 days of non-stop prayer, Apple beside itself with excitement.
When ball drops at midnight, everyone yelling Happy 5775!
Awareness that Rabbi can’t wait for it to end either.
Looking forward to the giant inflatable rabbi in the parade today.
A lot of folks ask if I’m atoning today.
I said, no, sorry, I’m atone deaf…
See, I told you.
Alex Bernstein 