Author of many miserable stories. Just like yours.
Blue Christmas, the very first story in Miserable Holiday Stories, is about a young man that has to provide an entertainer at the last minute for his temple’s big holiday party – and the only one he can find is a temperamental Elvis impersonator. In the clip below I read the story in it’s entirety, and do a terrible terrible Elvis impression. I apologize in advance. Big thanks to the Springfield Free Public Library for hosting the event!
From the archives: Rejected Ben & Jerry’s Passover Flavors. You can read the whole article at McSweeney’s.
Here’s a preview:
Why is this ice cream different from all other ice creams?
Bread O’ Affliction! – Sure, we wanted to use real bread, but who has the time?!
Gephilte Phish! – Random, minced fish pieces in a fabulous jellied froth!
Let My People Go Eat Ice Cream! – From Yahweh’s mouth to your freezer! Right now!
Karpas-tacular! – It really is!
Coupons available Next Year in Jerusalem!
My article “Writing the Gift Story” is up at Review Tales. Here’s a bit of it:
“No one likes staring at a blank page. Fortunately, many writers cultivate all sorts of prompts and tools to conquer that authorial vacuum as much as possible – whether it be leaving the previous day’s writing off on a cliffhanger – or maintaining an endless List of Ideas forever begging to be written.
As a perpetual short story writer, I’ve developed a number of similar tools. But here’s one of my favorites that’s particularly useful at this time of year – The Gift Story.”
You can read the full article here.
Even Santa agrees – Miserable Holiday Stories is the perfect holiday gift for that very special someone you’d rather never hear from again!
Featuring the the infamous chapter-book parody “The #$@!# Bicycle Boys Save Christmas, Again!” and stories from such eclectic journals as The Big Jewel, Litro, Corvus, eFiction, Dysfunctional Family Story, The Legendary, Blue Print Review, and Hobo Pancakes!
This collection of quirky, bittersweet tales is a terrific stocking stuffer and cheaper than coal!
Scene – JEFF and BETH settle cozily onto the couch with Chinese food and prepare to watch TV. Jeff glances over at Beth, and flirts with her. She flirts back.
JEFF: I’m glad we got to spend more time together this weekend.
BETH: Me too. It’s been great.
They watch TV. Jeff puts his arm around her. They look into each other’s eyes, snuggle closer, as if about to kiss. Suddenly, a screeching, bird-like VOICE comes from offstage.
MOM (OS): Jeff!? Jeff – are you home?!
JEFF: Oh no.
BETH: Maybe if we’re quiet, she’ll go away…?
MOM: Jeff?! Is that you? Are you here?! I love you! It’s your mother, Jeff! Are you in there?
JEFF’S MOM enters in baggy housecoat, and loaded down with several large suitcases. When she talks she sounds like a broken, skipping record.
MOM: There you are! It’s me, Jeff! Your mother! I love you! Who’s this?! Who’s this?!
JEFF: It’s Beth, Mom. You’ve met, like, five times.
MOM: I’m his mother! I love him! Do you love him?
BETH (embarrassed): Uhm…well…uh…
MOM: I love him! I’m his mother!
Why is this ice cream different from all other ice creams?
Bread O’ Affliction! – Sure, we wanted to use real bread, but who has the time?!
Gephilte Phish! – Random, minced fish pieces in a fabulous jellied froth!
Let My People Go Eat Ice Cream! – From Yahweh’s mouth to your freezer! Right now!
Karpas-tacular! – It really is!
Coupons available Next Year in Jerusalem!
I’m pleased as punch to announce the arrival of my second fiction collection, Miserable Adventure Stories – just in time for the holidays!
MAS is a pulpy, genre-bending brew of pieces that have appeared over the past few years at New Pop Lit, The Big Jewel, The Zodiac Review, Defenestrationism, HeadStuff, Blue Skirt Productions, Saturday Night Reader, Near to the Knuckle, and Gi60. It’s a companion piece to Miserable Holiday Stories (both of which are now available in lovely print editions!), and…it’s, uhm, actually much funnier than that volume, IMO.
MAS features a whopping 15 stories, including the soon-to-be classics “The Rottweiler”, “Across the Tundra”, and the fresh-off-the-presses parody of Lincoln in the Bardo – “Groucho in the Bardo”.
Here’s the blurb from Amazon:
Tentacled monsters! Frozen wastelands! Nixon! Sherlock Holmes! Groucho! In his latest collection, the author of “Miserable Holiday Stories!” takes you to Victorian London, the Old West, alien worlds, Hamlet’s Denmark and other fantastic places that you would absolutely never want to visit. Featuring stories from The Big Jewel, New Pop Lit, The Zodiac Review, and other literary journals with equally fancy names, this head-scratchingly awful collection will make you wonder why you didn’t just stay home and rent a movie.
Miserable Adventure Stories retails for a measly $6.99 in paperback and an even measlier $1.99 for the e-book.
Order both collections and give your loved ones a truly disastrous stocking stuffer!
It’s the perfect stocking stuffer and cheaper than coal!
For the first time ever, Miserable Holiday Stories is now available in a print edition! And just in time for the holidays!
Yes, now you can actually wrap up a physical copy of Miserable Holiday Stories – with a bow, if you like! – and send sleigh-loads of seasonal misery to family members and other people you don’t really like. And, unlike the e-version, the print version is flammable and ready to help set your yule log ablaze!
Featuring the infamous chapter-book parody The #$@!# Bicycle Boys Save Christmas, Again!, the new print version of Miserable Holiday Stories is available from your favorite online retailers as well as discerning bookstores everywhere!
Fewer Manischewitz-related DUIs this year.
Another chance to join elite “I Slept in Temple” club.
After 3 days of non-stop prayer, Apples everywhere unbelievably excited.
Good day to reflect on the suffering of poor, horn-less rams.
Perfect time to rob houses en masse when all Jews simultaneously called to temple.
Solid opportunity to resent fellow Jewish co-worker who took day off to go bowling.
Good over/under on how many middle-age men yell “Tequi-la!” when Cantor blows shofar.
Party hats usable all year round.
When ball drops at midnight, everyone yelling Happy 5778!
Awareness that Rabbi can’t wait for it to end either.
Alex Bernstein 